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You kno the feeling when the world is crumbling down?
Thats the feeling that occuring in my life right now.
I have no one to talk to, know one who really knows who i am.
I have friends who aren't even my friends
I have a brain which sabotages my body every day

I feel like everything i do is wrong. I can't go on this way, i have no one to turn to or hold my hand.
The guy i'm in love with hurts me over and over again by not giving our relationship a chance.
I've been hurt both emotionally and physically and once again have no one to tell.

I wish i could write a facebook status so everyone knows what pain i'm going through every day.

But i can't.
Once again i bottle things up and don't let anyone see,
I let everyone believe i'm okay when really i'm dying inside.


Yay so happy with myself!
Family made me go to KFC for dinner and i resisted i had a side salad and all i ate was 7 cherry tomatoes and a little bit of carrot. hope this carries on till tomorrow

Watch me bleed

The trickling of blood down my arm gives a strangely comforting feeling. Knowing that all my pain can be let go with a single stroke helps so much. There is so much pain and hurt poured into a single drop of blood, the pain of eating and knowing i let her down again, the pain of knowing my boyfriends only using me for sex and says that he hates me being fat, the pain of not being able to talk to my mom, the pain of being enclosed in four walls never being able to get out. Amazing how i can let this all go when just a flash of silver runs over my veins. Or how i can cry after purging and knowing that all the food that just came up held all my emotions.

Wish i knew how to leave this place, and be happy.

Don't you just hate it when...

When you have a friend who thinks she's fat but she's way skinnier than you, and you both go on a diet together ad she makes it like some sort of competition. She tells me that i'll get fat whenever i put anything into my mouth. She stands next to me in her underwear and goes "wow your thighs are sooo much bigger than mine." I don't wish to be mean to her because she is normally such a great friend, but i really need someone who isn't going to say that kinda stuff and actually helps me loose weight, not make wanna go cut. I haven't done it in months but i;m so close it's not funny.

Sorry to everyone for this rant, but i had to get it off my chest. Maybe it's time for a smoke?...


A Knife

That is exactly what it feels like when my boyfriend turns aound and tells me that if i want to go to the ball with him, i need to drop atleaat another 2 dress sizes!
I mean hasn't he noticed i've been trying so hard to get rid of that fat that suffocates my life?
Just for him i've tried so hard to show him that I'm at a high enough standard for him, and then he turns around and tells me i'm fat? I don't know why but my mind can't comprehend why he would say that to me. I understand he is tiny, and his past girlfriends have been like incy wincy, i'm trying really i am.

Please if anyone out there has enough compassion i would love for someone to help me get on track to dropping down.

Thanks ladies and remeber thin is beautiful.


Okay i just got on the scales, and i nearly cried!
I had the worst weekend ever that consisted of binging, no exercise and straight up being a fat cow! i managed to put on like 6 pounds, i mean i'm fat already so why am i allowing myself to become even fatter??
Je suis une grosse merde!! FML.

If anyone knows how to loose wieght fast i'd love to know, i have 2 weeks till a party and would love to be a little thin by then

Hope all you girls out there are doing better than me
Think thin!


Well i'm back at school now, which means back on track with my weight loss. I managed to loose 5kg/ 11 pounds over the holidays which is alright, i still have to loose another 9kg/19 pounds to get to my 1st goal weight. I hate being able to see myself so big, it's just embarrasing how i have to stand next to my boarding friends and i just feel like an absolute whale! they can all wear pretty little bikini's and i don't even feel comfortable in a one piece. I also hurt like crazy because i went for a 3km run this morning followed by a 30 min swim. then this evening a good hour at the gym and i still feel huge!
Well i'll be down to 70kg/ 154 pounds by the end of this term and then down to 60kgs/132 pounds by the middle of winter which should be good.

I'm just really thankfull for all the support i get on here. I don't think i'd be able to do it without all the special people out there.


Thurs Jan 7th

Yay!!! finally got down to 75kgs which is really good, and i have two reasons why im down so fast, and thats this liver detox which is like a natural laxitive,and it's soooo good, and also smoking helps so much, when i get hungry i just go have a smoke, and its so nice, you don't feel hungry anymore. But in saying that i don't want people to start coz when you give up, you gotta be careful, you don't replace it with food.

I'm just so happy i'm finally loosing weight, oh and going to the gym every day for atleast an hour helps alot too.



Well since it's a new year, i've started up a no more than 500cals diet again. Thanks to last night, i now weigh 78.8, wot a FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT LOOSER! so today to start it off, i've had a banana and half a cup of tomato soup so @ 12:30 i've had 140 cals, which is pretty good since i purged up most of the soup. I have made it my goal that if i'm down to 70kg by the end of January i have my eye on theses awesome pair of heels.

So my stats to start the year are
HW: 82.2kg
CW: 78.8kg
LW: 75.9kg
GW1: 70kg
GW2: 65kg

And then I'll go from there. But i've got to admit, that i didn't realise how fat i was until i took pictures and actually looked at myself properly.


Monday 28th

Well, i just started up my diary with piics ov me and my weight etc, and i cant believe how fat i've let myself get! Since last year i've managed to put on just over 10 kg!! how sick is that. Butive decided that im going togo back on my diet aftr new years, because i drink way too much, and then end up getting fatter. Soo 500 calories a day, then i have to burn twice that just to get thin.

I've also realised that i'm too fat to get a boyfriend, the last one i had decided that he didn't want anyone to know about us because he was too ashamed for people to know that we were together. My life has just fallen into one big cycle, sleep, eat, eat, purge, eat, eat sleep, what a horrible life to live, if anyone out there wants to help me that would be great.

Everyone take care of yourselves




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